Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know right? it’s so embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana—and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she’d be like “Why didn’t you call me back?” and I’d be like, “Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?” So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, “Janis, I can’t invite you because… I think you’re a lesbian” I mean, I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean, right? she was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school ‘cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird… and now I guess she’s on crack.