I was nine years old. I was roller-skating in the house, which was absolutely forbidden. I was skating down the hallway on top of the world with my new skates, and my new haircut, which everybody thought was a Dorothy Hamill but was actually a Pete Rose. Anyway, I needed to go to the bathroom but the door was locked. My recently divorced Aunt had moved in with us and I was sharing a bathroom with her. To be prepared, I tried to take my underpants off over my roller skates. I slipped and as I fell, I pulled down this poster of the singer Tom Jones that my Aunt had put up. My mom heard the noise, ran and found me squirming under the Tom Jones poster with my underpants around my ankles. It didn’t look good, Jack. She thought I did it on purpose, and she didn’t say a word. She just went in my room and took all my posters. Grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox, Han Solo, Tug Mcgraw, Mike Schmidt, Kermit, Gunther Gebel Williams. She took all the people away, Jack! SEX MAKES THE PEOPLE GO AWAY!

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    Tears of laughter, streaming down my face.
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    NOT KERMIT!
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